My grandma passed away last week.
For those who are concerned about me, dont worry. I didn't grieve. Frankly speaking, I am not very close to my grandma. I guess it is due to language barrier.
Still, I dutifully attended all the rituals that a grandson is supposed to attend. At the moment when they send her coffin into the incinerator, I prayed...
'Ah ma, may you move on to wherever world you are supposed to go peacefully. Hope you will live a better life in your next life...'
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The funeral took place at a time when it was the busiest period for me... right in the middle of the week where I was supposed to rush for a 60+ pages FYP report due the next Monday.
On those few days, Time abruptly came to a standstill.
Suddenly, I could not do my report anymore. Instead, I had to sit for hours listening to scriptures in rituals, or burning paper money, talking to my cousins, waiting for things to start. Not just me, everyone else had to stop whatever they were doing to stay around for the funeral...
Time around that particular void deck stopped. Outside, Time raged on, never slowing, never stopping......
At that particular point in Time. Peace ensued. Contemplation. During a Funeral. What is the Meaning of Life?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * 盖棺论定，入土方休。
Most, if not all, stories I heard about my grandma are those that said that she had caused a lot of unhappiness to her daughters, sons and husband，mostly over monetary matters. She never did anything to me though. I guess she must have reasons for what she did... a woman who reared up 5 children, went through war and economic downturns, naturally had more concerns about money.
However, her life will be something I will never ever know in its entirety. Was it good? Was she happy? What kind of person is she? I don't know and I will never know. The only things I know about her were from the stories I was told...
...and that she gave me a very big Ang Bao during Chinese New Year two months ago.
How do you want people to remember you when you die?
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What happened when you die?
During a ritual where the Buddhist scripture was chanted, a handbook is given to allow us to follow through and understand the ritual. The scripture described a Heaven where there are a lot of colors, a lot different gods. A place of peacefulness. It is time to let go of everything. Everything doesn't matter anymore. It is now time to pass on. And go to this Heaven.
Another ritual (of Taoist origin?), which lasted for the entire day, was done to invite the Earth God up to bring the spirit down personally. This was to prevent the spirit from being bullied on her way to another world.
I tried to sense my grandma's presence/spirit throughout the funeral...
I could not sense anything.
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If spirits exist... Grandma, I hope you are now in the Heaven with a lot of colors.
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... After the funeral, Time furiously accelerated back to its usual hectic, crazy pace. Never slowing. Never stopping. Until you die.
Even though I wasn\'t close to my (paternal) Grandma, I cried at her funeral. Maybe I was affected by others lah, being the more emotional me, or because that was when I was in Sec 4 (Yeah time have to stop for me as well) and I was more emotionally mature to understand the concept of death. For me, I was a lil sad that I couldn\'t really communicate with my Grandma and felt distant from her (yes, language barrier as well) but my two aunties looked a lot like her, so I guess, she\'s still with us, kept alive through her children.We, children, do represent a part of our parents too, be it physical looks, emotional self or attitudes. How would I want to be remembered by others? There are many sides to Ms Sze, to the point some people find it strange and contradictory. Some view me as cool and collected, others see me as emotional and overwhelmed. Some think I am uncouth and loud, others see me as a little girl and cute. I guess, regardless which aspect of me you do see, I hope you would remember Ms Sze as someone who have touched your heart in some part of your life :)Why do I sound like I am writing my obituary? Maybe \'cos FYP deadline is coming =\\
ReplyDelete\'she\'s still with us, kept alive through her children\'
ReplyDeleteThis idea is interesting... when we die, part of us still exist through our children...
I have thousands of generations of ancestors still \'living\' inside me, including my grandma. =)