This Week's Jokes

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us, but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings -- because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

 

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One day, a man walked into an appliance store.

 

"Do you sell color televisions?"

"Yes," said the clerk. "Yes, we do."

"Then give me a green one."

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 500. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "80.000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 1,500,000."

MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than 1,250,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

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A husband from Long Island, kissed his wife goodbye and got into his Cadillac to drive to work in New York City. He'd gone about a mile when he remembered that he'd left something in the bedroom. So he turned the car around and drove back home.

When he walked into the bedroom, there was his wife, lying totally nude on the bed and the neighbor standing totally nude beside her.

The quick-thinking neighbor promptly went into a squatting position on the rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Jones, because I was just telling you wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over the floor."

 

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This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...